Blues 101 - Can you be a Blues Musician?

If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning...."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of:

                 "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
                  Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
                 Got teeth like a walrus and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.

Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii the Hamptons or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best place! s to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get no rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is.. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:

a. Harrod's
b. gallery openings
c. Freemasons meetings
d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a pension or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of colour. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Champagne or cognac
d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Blues Name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Mute, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, Clinton,etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Lame Kiwi Clinton, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

21. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry!

English Definitions for the Dyslexic

Antelope (v): to run off with your mother’s sister.
Assassination (n): an arrangement to meet a donkey.
Baptist (n): a junior hamburger chef.
Basket (n): a short nap in the sun.
Circumstantial (n): circumcision on a really big baby.
Collonade (n): fizzy enema.
Defence (n): something to sit on for people who can’t make up their minds.
Diarrhoea (n) a very unattractive bottom.
Dictator (n): hilariously shaped, edible tuber.
Dipthong (v): to wash a lady's undergarment.
Diversion (n): Princess of Wales' version of the events that led to her divorce.
Dumpling (n): small lump of excrement.
Gastronome (n): small person prone to excess wind.
Harbinger (n): hard drinker.
Hatchet (n): small, bird droppings that fall from the sky.
Headband (n): top of the bill at a rock concert.
Hormone (n): the sound a prostitute makes when she's not been paid.
Hobnob (n): cooking accident often suffered by nudists.
Homophobe (n): strong dislike of The Simpsons.
Honeydew (n: women who regularly arrive late for appointments.
Induction (n): induced labour in a duck.
Innuendo (n): Italian suppository.
Intercontinental (n): person who has wet themselves all over the world.
Labiate (v): perform cunnilingus.
Laminate (v): to artificially inseminate a sheep.
Limpet (n): male who has trouble getting an erection.
Lobster (n): colloquial term for a female who ejaculates during orgasm.
Mantrap (n): sexual favour used by women to obtain money from men.
Mastiff (n): mass erections induced by watching pornography.
Menopause (n): break in conversation to allow men to get a word in edgeways.
Minjita (n) (slang): an Indian lesbian.
Misfit (n): an attractive young woman.
Mislay (n): a brazen or promiscuous young woman.
Morbific (n): excessively violent.
Multilingual (n): engaging in cunnilingus with multiple partners.
Negligent (n): cross-dresser.
Ostentatious: make and model of a pre-war British luxury car.
Outage (n): process of exposing a Gay politician.
Portent (n): The Millennium Dome.
Propaganda (n): a wooden support for one-legged male geese.
Rapscallion (n): Black, American spring onion.
Rectitude (n): Precise angle at which a rectal thermometer should be inserted.
Reflex (v): renew wiring to an electrical appliance.
Restitution (n): sanatorium for lactating women.
Skulduggery (n): archaeological excavation.
Snuff box (n): slang term for a coffin.
Spade (n): small surgical tool for removing ovaries.
Testator (n): a male who is constantly adjusting his genitalia.
Titillate (n): delayed onset of female puberty.
Titular (n & adj): busty woman.
Vagrant: (n): confused insect.
Willy-nilly (n): male who continually catches their penis in their zipper
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"Letters to the editor."

Apparently these were real...

"The government tells us that we are eating too many pies, smoking and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up."

"'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30."

"I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery."

"The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I."

"My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?"

"I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both."

"Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?"

"On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road."

"Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxiesfor hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius."

"Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour."

Guitarists.. a breed apart.

Relative minor: A drummer's girlfriend.

Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A professional music critic.

Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.

Q: How do you make a guitar sound beautiful?
A: Sell it and buy a CD player.

Q: Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
A: So they can park in the disabled spot.

Q: What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
A: His amp.

A bass player walks into his rehearsal room to find his drummer and guitarist fighting. He breaks the fight up and asks the guitarist why they were fighting. The guitarist tells him that the drummer had de-tuned one of his strings. The singer says " That's no reason to fight", the guitarist says "Yes it is, He won't tell me which string it was."

Q: What's do an electric guitar and a vacuum have in common?
A: When you plug them in they both suck.

Q: How can you tell a guitarist is at your front door?
A: By the Dominos Pizza hat.

Q: What do you call a guitarist?
A: A guy that hangs around in rock bands with real musicians.

Q: How do you know when the stage is level?
A: The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Q: What did the guitarist do when he was told to turn on his amp?
A: He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

Q: In the 22nd century, how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source?
A: Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

Q: How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
A: Put some sheet music in front of him.

Q: What do you call two guitar players reading off the same chart?
A: Counterpoint.

Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
A: Shoot One.

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But Seriously...

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like...night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis? Raise my hand.

15. OK . . . so what's the speed of dark?

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?

25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

26. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Things to do at an office meeting:

Laugh uproariously at a quip that was made 2 or 3 minutes ago. Say, "Oh, _now_ I get it!"

Wear a disposable paper face mask. Tell the group: "Hey, you don't want to catch what I've got!"

Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the _real_ reason this meeting has been called.

Slowly slump in your seat. When you are about to fall off the chair, suddenly straighten up. Apologize profusely.

Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

Have someone deliver a large cardboard box to you in the conference room. Apologize while you sign for it. About half an hour later, have a different person deliver another one.

Remove your shoes and socks. Lay your socks on the table, turn each one inside out, and inspect them carefully. If anyone says anything, tell them "doctor's orders."

Roll your eyes at almost everything the boss says. If addressed directly, adopt a cowering posture and stammer pitifully as you reply. Ask that he or she "not hurt you anymore."

During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

Every so often, duck under the table. Stare in horror. Pop back up and look real scared.

Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

Take your temperature every so often with a candy thermometer.

Distribute free condoms before or after the meeting.

Make all the stereotyped facial expressions to indicate that you are a psychiatrist administering psychoanalysis to the speaker. Take notes furiously.

Bring a pitcher of non-alcoholic beer to the meeting. As the meeting progresses, start slurring your speech. Belch loudly. Tell your co-workers you can't help it. Start crying.

Have a timer that buzzes at intervals. When it goes off, take a pill from a pill case and gulp it down. If anyone asks, tell them it's to "prevent the seizures."

Lapse into a staring coma. Drool. Have a confederate wipe the spit from your lips, and say "It's pitiful. But what can you do?"

At opportune times, stick an inhaler in your ear. Inhale deeply.

Ask your neighbour, nearer the speaker, to trade places with you "so you can hear better." Gradually work your way up to the speaker. When you are as close as possible, stare up at them adoringly. After a while, change your expression to a frown, sigh heartbreakingly, and begin to stare into space.

Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

Wear shades and carry a walkie-talkie with an earphone. Once in a while, quietly say a few words into it.

Bring a doughnut cushion and use it. If anybody asks, say that your haemorrhoids are really acting up this week. Offer to share it if they really need it. Be embarrassingly persistent in your offer. Offer to show them how bad they are.

Wear brightly-coloured earmuffs. Explain that "my ears tend to get real cold at these meetings." Ask the speaker to please talk a little louder.

Stand up and start doing the Macarena. Forcibly wrestle yourself back into your chair. Look real embarrassed. Tell everybody "My doctor's appointment is tomorrow."

Bring a few telephone books. Add a few to sit on, adjusting your seat height until the top of your head is exactly one-half inch higher than the speaker's. Explain that you sometimes have trouble seeing the presentation.

Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)

Office Appraisal Reports

Since my last report this employee has reached rock bottom…. and has stared to dig

His men would follow him anywhere…….but only out of morbid curiosity

I would not allow this employee to breed

This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definate won’t be

Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

When she opens her mouth it seems that is only to change feet

He would be out of his depth in a puddle

This young lady as delusions of adequacy

He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot

This employee should go far…..and the sooner he sets off the better

Got the full 6 pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together

He’s been working with glue too much

He would argue with a signpost

He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room

When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell

If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one

A photographic memory with the lens cover glued on

A prime candidate for natural de-selection

Donated his brain to science before he finished using it

Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train isn’t coming

He has 2 brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it

If he were any more stupid he’d have to be watered twice a week

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change

It he had a brain cell it would die of loneliness

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge….he only gargled

Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes

The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead

These are obviously not original, but are bits I've picked from the web and e-mail over the years, which still make me laugh - hope they do it for you too!
Blues 101 - Can you be a Blues Musician? NEW
English Definitions for the Dyslexic
Letters to the editor
Click here for some guitarist jokes..
But Seriously...
Things to do at an office meeting
Appraisal reports..
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